


Two Silent Monologues

by TupPillow



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Gay Relationship, Heavy Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-27 05:07:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18732202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TupPillow/pseuds/TupPillow
Summary: Nico Kim and Levi Schmitt are alone together.Follows Ep 23.





	Two Silent Monologues

**Author's Note:**

> So, the GA folks keep darkening the narrative. I still hope my previous piece, where the boys get a good ending, is where they actually end up. But after ep 23, the ache between them was too deep not to explore. Crazy as it sounds, this one kinda hurt to write.

I don't know how to do this.

 _Of course you don't._ The demonic little voice of self-doubt turned like a red hot poker in his head. _Just one more thing you're screwing up._

Nico Kim looked around the flower shop. Everywhere, bright mounds of color. Pinks, yellows, purples and blues. Bright, but somehow indistinct, like a watercolor, the kind of paintings his grandmother used to collect.

What am I doing here? What's the point?

***

I don't know how to do this.

 _Of course you don't._ The nagging little voice of self-doubt kept chewing in his head. _Why would even think you could?_

Levi Schmitt shuffled the lab reports around in his hands, like a deck of over-sized cards. The names blurred in his eyes. Smith, Alverez, Lorelli, Hughes. Meaningless names for meaningless work, meant to distract his thoughts. But his thoughts weren't distracted; they kept churning anyway.

Why am I here? What's the point?

***

I'm not angry at Levi. I'm not. I'm not angry _at_ him. Or _with_ him. I'm angry _about_ him. Why can't he just leave me alone for awhile? Why doesn't he get it?

 _Why? Because he loves you, you complete asshole._ The voice was cold now, mocking. _You're the one who doesn't get it. You don't get anything._

Nico had come to the flower shop, vaguely hoping that he'd understand Levi's motivation to get him flowers. Instead he stood numbly, not wanting to stay. Not able to leave.

Why can't I figure this out. What the hell is wrong with me?

***

I _am_ angry with Nico. I have a _right_ to be! He needed to apologize, and then he just gets snarky with me again!

 _Wow, great way to prove his point, you clueless idiot. It really is all about you, isn't it? Are you that needy? That selfish?_ The voice dripped with contempt.

Levi dropped off the lab reports Doctor Lincoln had asked for. Levi said nothing when Link looked up and grunted a brusque, "Thanks." Levi looked around, hoping to catch even a glimpse of Nico. Link started say something, but Levi wheeled and walked away.

Why can't I find a way to help him? Why I am doing everything wrong?

***

I close my eyes. I open them. I still see it. Josh's face on the table.

_Get used to it. You will never forget that face. Never. I'll make sure you don't._

"Excuse me...Doctor...Kim?" Nico heard a voice cut through the buzzing in his mind. He suddenly saw a woman standing in front of him. "Can I help you with something?"

Nico stared at her, momentarily mute. Then he shook his head.

"Uh, no. Thanks." Then it struck him. "How did you know my --"

The woman pointed to Nico's ID badge, and smiled. Nico smiled faintly in return.

"Are you sure I can't help you with anything?"

Nico's smile drained away. "I'm sure." He turned and headed slowly to the door.

_You can't even figure out flowers. Pathetic._

Nico pushed the door and walked out in a daze.

***

Maybe I shouldn't have told him about saving the fire chief. I just wanted to share some good news with him! That didn't make it about me. Did it?

_Seriously? Your boyfriend killed a patient! Did you even hear what Link said? Did you?_

Levi did rounds in daze. He couldn't clear his mind. Doctor Lincoln gave him some side-eye a couple of times. But mostly Link left him alone. In his own way, he was trying to help Levi, too.

He shared a silent coffee with Casey and Helm. He checked on some patients. He heard the fire chief had skipped-out, leaving Doctor Pierce frantic. Normally that news would have wired Levi up. But he couldn't feel anything. The ache in his head had seeped into every part of him. He felt like he was swimming through the hospital, a slow-motion dog paddle. He found himself walking towards the main hospital entrance.

_You're going...nowhere. This is going nowhere._

Levi drifted to one of the big windows. There was nothing to see.

Until there was.

***

Where do I go from here? What do I do? Who can I even talk to?

_Not your boyfriend, genius. You've probably hosed that, too. Happy now?_

Nico found himself in front of the hospital's main entrance. He watched an ambulance flash by. People drifted past him, human leaves slowly spinning and eddying on the sidewalk. Taking no notice of the young doctor, pacing back and forth, his crossed arms straight-jacketing his chest to the point he could barely breathe.

He will never get over this. And shouldn't. He understands that. But the pain. The seething, roiling feeling in his head, his chest, his gut. How does he cope with it? How can he get it under some kind of control? He has patients to deal with. He has work to do.

He has Levi. Doesn't he? Does he?

Nico paced hard in front of the hospital windows.

And Levi, inside looking out, suddenly realized who was pacing on the sidewalk. He took a sharp breath and started to run towards the doors. Then he froze.

 _"I'm telling you, Schmitt, back off.”_ Link's voice burned in his brain. _“Let him come to terms with it however he has to. That's how you can be there for him."_

Levi felt dizzy, a sickening dizzy. His desperate longing yanked sharply with a mental leash. He spun away from the view on the street.

The motion of which caught Nico's peripheral vision, and he turned to look at the window, just in time to see it was Levi turning away from him. Nico watched him suddenly grab his head, his fingers in his hair, gripping it in obvious distress. Nico froze, and his knees started to wobble.

Nico Kim had never, in his life, wanted to scream out loud. Until now.

Instead he screamed in his head.

_Goddammit Levi, I love you but you HAVE to leave me alone! You know I love you and I'm sorry I hurt you but don't you understand that I'm drowning and you can't save me and I don't know if I'm even worth saving and I love you and then sometimes I resent you and then I feel so fucking guilty and I don't know how tell you how to help me and how afraid I am and I love you and this so messed-up and God I love you but you have to understand I can't, I just can't, I can't --_

And Nico's knees started to give, and as he went down Levi turned back, and watched in horror as Nico seemed to crumple into himself. Levi flung himself onto the window, pressing his hands into the glass as if he could somehow reach through, to touch Nico in his agony.

_Oh God, Nico, please please let me in! It's not about me, it never was, I only want to find a way to help you you have to know that and I'm hurting too and I know it's not the same but I have to know if you understand how much I love you and how confused I feel and I want you to TALK to me but I know I'll only make things worse if I try push you but I love you and this so fucking awful and I want, I want to help, I --_

Nico Kim stayed haunched on his knees on the hard sidewalk. Levi Schmitt remained splayed on the chilly window. The only thing between them, a plate of glass and ten feet of concrete.

But they were light-years apart.


End file.
